As mentioned elsewhere on this site, being part of a community, coven, or ANY small spiritual group can have some pretty unexpected and serious consequences to a person’s mental, emotional, and even physical well-being. Most pagans/Wiccans come to Willow looking to learn about paganism or Wicca and immediately discover treading down the path of spiritual knowledge forces you to face yourself. As the Charge of the Goddess says:
If that which you seek, you do not find within yourself, you will never find it without.[insert footnote 1]
Conflict resolution has become an important skill that Willow has found many people are lacking when they come to community. Even though our first degree system requires a book on communication (Fierce Conversations by Susan Scott), what Willow has discovered is a disturbing trend of persons who believe they communicate well, and therefore, do not need any study on communication. As these new pagans come to our community they are further ignorant of the 1st Law of Magick: The Law of Knowledge, The Law of Self Knowledge.[insert footnote 2]
The Law of Knowledge states that understanding brings control; the more that is known about a subject, the easier it is to exercise control over it.
The Law of Self-Knowledge, often understood as a sub-law to The Law of Knowledge says: The most important kind of magical knowledge is about oneself; familiarity with one’s own strengths and weaknesses is vital to success as a magician.[insert footnote 3]
To further complicate matters, most seekers do not know that while Christianity is a spiritual path about grace: the grace of Jesus Christ in being able to forgive everyone’s sins by self sacrifice, Paganism and Wicca are spiritual paths that focus on personal responsibility instead of reliance upon someone or something else to forgive us our transgressions. The idea of personal responsibility is what theologically sets paganism, magic, and Wicca apart from other spiritual paths.
Add to the stew of drama a lack of understanding around spiritual group dynamics and it is inevitable that conflict is going to arise.
Pagan community is nothing like any church, synagogue, or mosque you have been to: ever. The smaller grouping of individuals makes for a much more intimate setting for learning and spiritual development. Leadership isn’t just a person who speaks at services, they are people whose home you are in and whom you see in much more intimate ways. Your coven/community mates are also on more intimate terms with you. This means that your biases can heavily influence how you look at leadership and members in a community or coven. For example, if you see voting for Donald Trump as the same thing as betraying women and selling out to capitalism and then discover your coven mate voted for Trump, it is going to affect how you deal with them unless you take personal responsibility for your own emotions, thoughts, and beliefs.
Before joining ANY coven or community you should strive to understand the following points:
You have seriously considered the above information and joined Willow anyway. Then something happens that makes you uncomfortable, sad, or upset and you believe another member or a leader has done it. It would be good for you to utilize the following steps to help find conflict resolution directly with the person involved. The following information is taken in large part from the Academic Leadership Support website without change or addition.
First you should acknowledge your personal damage and understand that everyone in your community has their own damage they are dealing with. Before REACTING to the emotions (anger, upset, sadness), first ask yourself some self-care questions:
Then ask yourself some perception questions:
Copied from Academic Leadership Support website
Whenever we are confronted by a conflict, we have three sets of needs to be negotiated:
Consequences of Not Resolving the Conflict Thinking about what will happen if we do not resolve the situation helps to clarify our needs– “What are my boundaries in this situation?” Rather than constraining our creativity and flexibility, this analysis actually illuminates our priorities and, as a result, gives us a greater willingness to explore possible solutions. Alternatives to negotiating are commonly divided into three categories:
By thinking these through, we can understand how a negotiated solution can meet our needs better than the alternatives and can clarify our desired outcomes. Focus We cannot negotiate solutions to all of our problems in one session, or even in one series of meetings. Therefore, we need to clarify our desired outcomes from this process, and focus our energies on two or three priority issues among the dozen that we feel are important. By doing so, we are more likely to negotiate agreements that are meaningful to us, and less likely to get sidetracked with tangential or petty issues. Answer these questions (open a printable and fillable version):
“Ground rules” are statements that reflect people’s best intentions regarding how they wish to treat one another in civil dialogue. They tend to be present in many positive social relationships, and they are reflected in ethical codes and “the golden rule.” In conflictive, challenging relationships, ground rules tend to be far more complicated, in part because there is an implicit assumption that one person believes that the other won’t live up to them. In work teams, this becomes even more complex, as several perspectives may co-exist in the group about ‘appropriate behavior.’ The following ground rules are offered as illustrations in order to inspire your work group to develop rules that are appropriate to your specific needs and situation. Feel free to use them, discard them, add to them, or modify them… what is important is that you identify ground rules that work for all parties as you attempt to negotiate solutions to the conflicts before you. 1) One person speaks at a time. 2) We will make a sincere commitment to listen to one another, to try to understand the other person’s point of view before responding. 3) What we discuss together will be kept in confidence, unless there is explicit agreement regarding who needs to know further information. 4) We agree to talk directly with the person with whom there are concerns, and not seek to involve others in “gossip” or “alliance building.” 5) We agree to try our hardest and trust that others are doing the same within the group. 6) We will support the expression of dissent in a harassment free workplace. 7) We agree to attack the issues, not the people with whom we disagree.
For more on meeting ground rules, see https://www.ohrd.wisc.edu/academicleadershipsupport/best6.htm |
Copied from Academic Leadership Support website
| Safe Space In order to have a constructive conversation, people generally need to feel that they are in a “safe place,” –a place where they can take the risks involved in honest communication about meaningful issues. If possible, identify a private, neutral room in which to hold your conversation, preferably a space that isn’t “owned” by one person or the other. If the conversation starts in a more public place (for example, if confronted by a customer), suggest that it might be helpful if the two of you could, at least, move to a more private area within the room.Appropriate Time Be sure that the time is also acceptable and appropriate. Do not try to negotiate a complex agreement in fifteen minutes! If time is limited, agree on a scope for this discussion and then set up an opportunity for follow-up. You might say, “Let’s get started in the brief time we have available and then get together again.” Consider the use of third parties as appropriate to the needs of the situation: Facilitators and mediators can impartially focus on the process, so people involved in a dispute can fully participate in dialogue. Advocates can be especially helpful when there are significant power differences, or when one party or another might require additional support and assistance in order to effectively participate. The Employee Assistance Office, or the Office of Quality Improvement, or the new Ombuds Program for Faculty and Staff, or the Union Leaders and Stewards are excellent resources for assistance. Finally, keep in mind the importance of ground rules in order to improve the likelihood of a civil, constructive dialogue. Simple ground rules include:
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Despite wanting to have your grievances heard, your priority in successful conflict resolution should always be to listen. Read this page for suggestions and hints.
“When listening to the other person’s point of view, the following responses are often helpful:
| What to Do | How to Say It |
| Encourage the other person to share his or her issues as fully as possible. | “I want to understand what has upset you.””I want to know what you are really hoping for.” |
| Clarify the real issues, rather than making assumptions. Ask questions that allow you to gain this information, and which let the other person know you are trying to understand. | “Can you say more about that?””Is that the way it usually happens?” |
| Restate what you have heard, so you are both able to see what has been understood so far – it may be that the other person will then realize that additional information is needed. | “It sounds like you weren’t expecting that to happen.” |
| Reflect feelings – be as clear as possible. | “I can imagine how upsetting that must have been.” |
| Validate the concerns of the other person, even if a solution is elusive at this time. Expressing appreciation can be a very powerful message if it is conveyed with integrity and respect. | “I really appreciate that we are talking about this issue.””I am glad we are trying to figure this out.” |
By taking a listening stance into the interaction, you set the scene for your opportunity to share your concerns about the conflict. Again, we recognize that this can be very challenging! But, if you persevere, the effort is often worth it.”
Now is the time to convey your needs and concerns clearly. Using “I-statements” do this now and continue to listen. Clarification can be found here.
Copied from Academic Leadership Support website
At this stage of the discussion, good rules for problem solving and analysis apply. Use whatever tools and processes you may have at your disposal in order to engage in a creative, and productive process, as well as the use of an external facilitator or mediator if you feel it would be beneficial to the group engaged in negotiations.
Be sure to take one issue at a time, starting with an issue that both of you agree is worthy of discussion. Try to make it a “bitable bite,” rather than the most difficult issue of conflict.
Generate several possible solutions to the problem, “brainstorming” ideas or otherwise making sure that all parties participate in the process. At this stage, it is important to defer judgments and evaluations of potential solutions, for to do so prematurely risks creating a “chilling effect” on the further generation of ideas. If one idea is rejected too quickly, other ideas may be similarly rejected without appropriate consideration. Even if you quickly identify an acceptable solution, it is useful to explore a few additional ideas before settling on the best answer to the problem.
Clarify the criteria that you are using for evaluating options – sometimes, this can be an important insight for people as they negotiate, because they may have different notions of what they value in a good solution. For example, one person may value a quick solution, while the other wants one that is longer lasting. One person may want to do something that is inexpensive, staying within our current budget, while the other person may feel that it is okay to spend more today to save money and stress in the future.
Good solutions to problems emerge from mutually acceptable criteria being applied in a clear decision-making process. Understand the power present in the room to solve the problems being presented… Sometimes, you may bemoan a situation over which you have limited control. It may be important to acknowledge the larger issue or another concern that is beyond your control, but it is important to prevent such concerns from becoming “tangents” that take up your time and energy in less constructive ways. If it feels like the discussion has drifted into another area, check for clarification of the agenda at hand: “I’m confused. Earlier, we were discussing Issue A, now I hear you raising some concerns in a new area… is this where we want to focus, or should we return to Issue A?” This type of query can help clarify what the other person is intending, allowing you to either support this shift or express why you feel the original issue still needs your attention.
As you reach agreement regarding solutions to each of the problems being negotiated, summarize these ideas in writing and restate them back to each other to be sure everyone agrees with both the intent of the solution and its specific language. If it is appropriate to leave things a bit ambiguous, until other issues are discussed, this is fine; just be sure that at the end of the discussion there is a clear record that accurately conveys to all parties – as well as others who may have a need to understand how the problem has been solved – what you are now intending to do and how you plan to do it.”
Copied from Academic Leadership Support website
It may also be true that certain issues will not present immediate solutions, and an impasse will be reached regarding such issues. Impasse is the point within a dispute in which the parties are unable to perceive effective solutions. People feel stuck, frustrated, angry, and disillusioned. As a result, they might either dig their heels in deeper, anchoring themselves in extreme and rigid positions, or they might decide to “take their marbles and go home,” withdrawing from negotiation. Either way, impasse represents a turning point in our efforts to negotiate a solution to the conflict. As such, rather than avoiding or dreading it, impasse should be viewed with calm, patience, and respect. At such times, it is important to refocus efforts on the underlying needs, interests and concerns of the conflict:
These are all important questions to keep in mind, so you may remain focused on your priorities in a realistic manner. Collaborative efforts to negotiate solutions to conflicts are not necessarily driven by shared goals or concerns; indeed, you may have very different ‘visions’ for the organization, even if you work together. But you may still find it worthwhile to negotiate together because the alternatives are more costly. In the end, your decision regarding whether or not to continue negotiating will be based upon self-interest and your best opportunities to meet your needs. A number of strategies for managing impasse exist, and each may be considered for its potential contribution to your specific situation. As you seek to navigate this tricky stage of the process, be sure to check your own energy along the way. As appropriate, take breaks (a few minutes, a few days – whatever is appropriate) in order to regain your energy and focus for the challenge. Try not to view such breaks as complete opportunities to withdraw from the negotiation process; rather, we should structure these times between conversations as opportunities for reflection, examination of the true needs of the situation, and consideration of possible alternatives that we may have been reluctant to consider in the heat of the moment. If you are working with a third party mediator or facilitator, breaks may also provide an opportunity to “caucus” in separate meetings that allow you to gain perspective on your frustrations and other resentments towards the other party. By taking such reflective time, you return to the conversation with a clearer sense of your commitment, as well as parameters that exist for you at this time. Strategies For Managing Impasse Impasse is an important challenge in the evolution of a conflict. During the negotiation process, people will commonly get “stuck” and feel a sense of desperate frustration about what is occurring. At such times, it is important to consider the appropriate use of the following strategies: 1. When stuck, talk about how it feels… set aside “the issue” for the moment. 2. Reframe the issue: Shift from substantive issues to procedural or psychological concerns. This may generate new energy to revisit the substantive issue, or put it into proper perspective. 3. Break the problem into more manageable elements. Start with a “bite-able bite” that is also a shared concern… It probably feels overwhelming in its current form… build a sense of confidence. 4. When in doubt: RESTATE…RESTATE…RESTATE! Be sure the other person knows you are making reasonable efforts to understand his or her point of view. By doing so, you greatly increased the likelihood that the other person will sense the integrity of your efforts, and respond positively. 5. Stay flexible – generate new options. Affirm the value of continuing to explore better responses when people feel trapped by their thinking. 6. Validate and affirm areas of agreement… these are frequently overlooked, as we have focused only on areas of disagreement! 7. Clarify criteria: On what basis are we evaluating the various options before us? Can we agree on criteria that are “mutually acceptable” to all parties, even if not fully shared by all? 8. Reaffirm the ground rules. Again, these are frequently overlooked at times of impasse, to our collective detriment. 9. Take a structured break…or CAUCUS (as appropriate). Be sure people go to the break with “homework” to do. 10. Explore alternatives: BATNA, WATNA, MLATNA. This allows for an important reality check before determining not to negotiate further. |
Copied from Academic Leadership Support website
OK, so you are coming down the ‘home stretch’ and everything is looking rosy… right? Not likely… people have been working hard to overcome their differences and have painstakingly crafted some ideas that may be helpful to their situation. While occasionally people are feeling pretty good at this point, they are much more commonly feeling exhausted and uncertain. Therefore, the final step of the process is just as important as the others along the way. As you come to the conclusion of the negotiation process, identify areas of agreement as clearly and specifically as possible, preferably in writing. Then review the agreement in light of the following “hallmarks”:
As your conversation concludes, leave the session with a commitment to implement the plans that you have determined together. If unexpected problems or challenges come up (for example, someone gets sick or unexpected workload changes make it difficult to pay attention to the agreement for a few days), communicate openly with one another about these challenges. As appropriate, sit down again in order to renegotiate solutions on the basis of new information. Try not to assume that, if something doesn’t happen when you expected it to occur, it means that the other person has abandoned the agreement or is intentionally sabotaging the process. People generally try their hardest to make things work, and it is important to communicate with each other about potential pitfalls before they fester and become crises. It is often useful to build into the agreement an opportunity to “check back” with each other to evaluate progress towards implementation. In this way, any concerns about the agreement can be uncovered in a timely way, rather than waiting for problems to worsen. Such a meeting also provides an opportunity to recognize your good work and progress together – all right! We’re actually moving in the right direction! Finally, such a meeting can be quite important for providing a safe space in which to explore additional issues and concerns, especially those that were not viewed as “safe” to explore in the previous conversation. Sometimes, we also find that by implementing solutions to the problems that were discussed, we realize there were other “undiscussables” that we weren’t conscious of or which we were reluctant to raise. By peeling away another “layer of the conflict,” we may get to important conversations, even if they prove to be difficult. In that event, it is important to return to the first steps of the process, and proceed with patience, flexibility and respect. Arranging the Furniture: Creating the Best Environment for Dialogue When considering how to negotiate, it is important to take into account the spaces and rooms in which we do so. As noted earlier, identify a neutral space for the discussion whenever possible. Then take a few moments to consider the following:
As with other advice on this site, our goal is to enhance your opportunities to effectively negotiate solutions to the conflicts you confront in your work at the university. By attending to the space in which you negotiate, making it supportive of the purpose that has brought you to the table, you increase your chances for success. |
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